I can't say enough, and I could not possibly give credit to these awesome people AND OTHERS too, so I just linked this entire post to it.

I'm safe and dry, and I will be employed and semi-normal once again soon.

Nice and quiet outside. Enjoying a cigarette; sitting in my tree for a while, then walking slowly on top of the little wall that surrounds my yard.

I used to think that maybe someday I would have someone to walk on it with me, maybe hold my hand and walk behind me, enjoying these quiet moments with me. I realize that, somewhere along the line, I stopped caring about that.

I reach the end of the wall, back at the doorstep opposite from that tree. Still quiet.

I stand, and finish my cigarette. I realize how long a cigarette lasts, out here in the stillness; realize that I inhale deeper than I used to. I smoke more packs than I used to too.

I spit some saliva on the ground. I hate spitting, but maybe I won't get cancer if I spit it out. I don't care about any of that anymore either.

I try to resist the urge to put the rest of it out, to hurry away from this mirror of serenity, go inside and fill the air with some distracting sound; a late night infomercial, maybe the muffled noise of a DJ on the crappy little alarm radio.

The tap, tap, tapping of my keyboard.

These calm moments, they are good for me, I know. There is value in the still air, the semi dark emptiness, my own thoughts bouncing off the lonely walls and landscape. Its these times that have gotten me through, weather on a Greyhound bus in the middle of the night, the side of the road at dawn, or in some one's living room or a strange girl's bed, sleepless. But, for some reason, I usually don't endure them long.

I have to piss.

I still manage to unhurriedly finish my cigarette, smothering the ash in the dull bricks and walking slowly to the trash can across the lot, and back into the house.

Its quiet inside, also, but as I step through the threshold its a different kind of stillness. Perhaps its the same, only tainted by my own preoccupation with distraction.

A stop at the bathroom. I Walk to my room, take a sip of my soft drink, sit at my computer. The movie is still playing.

Soda is so bad for me. That used to bother me. Now I just know it, I guess.

Tap. Tap.

You find a girl that you know you can love forever, and then suddenly, forever is over. It just runs out. For her, at least.

Yeah, I fucked up; we both did... but not that bad. Not bad enough that you should fall out of love so soon....after the things we've said? Crazy. Unbelievable. That you can just turn it off like that. Couples every day who don't have anythng like what we had, stay together through stuff a hell of a lot bigger than what made you give up so easily.

Forever isn't suposed to run out. It's supposed to last... you know, forever. Or at least for a hundred years or so.

So, why am I still in love, and not her? Does that prove that 'forever' is still happening? Or am I the only one stuck in forever?

Its not like I was even looking for a friggin girlfriend. It's not like I need one.

It's not like I want anyone else but you.

Am I a fool? When does a fool stop hurting?

What's the meaning of life?

That's what I was asked very recently. I really didn't have to think long.

The meaning of life is, you're on your own. Seriously.

Sure, some people are lucky enough to have good family and friends to get them through the hard times, or a lover that they are happy to spend their whole life with, or a religion to depend on, and use to justify their existence.

But when it comes down to it, you are totally on your own. No one else is wearing your skin, and experiencing the trials you go through. No one else really knows how you feel, and understands all the little things about you that make you you, and all the wishes and hopes, and dreams and aspirations, and all of your glitches. And for the most part, they don't really care. They can't, completely. Its not in our nature.

So what's the point of all this?

Live your life. Do what feels right. What else can you do? The world is too full of problems to spend all your years trying to solve them. Life is too short not to have what you want, and not to appreciate what you have. And if you figure out what love is? Just enjoy it. But learn how to live without it, and be prepared to; that's my advice.

I suppose I will write an update of sorts, even though my large following is all but nonexistent these days.

I am working at Wal-Mart now, which turns out to be a very decent job. The benefits rock, and the people are ok. I am even getting involved in the stock market a little bit, since they make it very easy to take advantage of Wal-Mart stock by deducing it from my paycheck. They even cover all of the broker fees, and match you by 15% of everything you put in up to $1800 a year. I still need to educate myself with all this stock market crap, but its worth it to see if I can save up some good money for a few years.

That's really it right now as far as new and exciting events. I worked 72.5 hours the last work week, during thanksgiving week, and I was beat as hell after that. I was grateful to be able to take advantage of the overtime though.Come the end of the year I hope to be debt free and on my way to financial stability and semi-success. But how many times have I planned on that, eh?

I have been doing a lot lately to try to stimulate my brain. I used to be a lot sharper, and lately I have noticed that my vocabulary has been going down the drain, among other things. Part of this is because of how hard it is to surround myself with stimulating company, and not people who are content to sit around and talk trash and brag all the time, who take it as an insult if you use a word they don't know.

I have been reading up on the subject of kick starting my brain, and have read some tips that I think I want to try, likethe concept of a 'quiet day' once a week, when I turn off all radio, TV, and other stuff for a whole day and just spend it in silence. Or, exercising my brain by writing more, using my non-dominant hand to do things, and doing word puzzles and things like that. I have been meaning for a while to get back to my writing the way I used to. Hell, there are a plethera of talents I have wasted over the last few years, cause things have been so crazy. Maybe I can make up for lost time?

Later

Okay, I know you all want to hear about my exciting weekend holding up a sign for money. Well, of course it couldn't be that simple....


Here's the cast:


Annoying chick; your typical know-it-all, with only a slight wit and mild attractiveness, which you wouldn't guess by the hot shit she acted like.

too-cool-for-school; this guy was announcing the make and model of every car we saw the entire weekend, putting his brand new phone on speakerphone constantly, and trying to make mysterious, elusive comments that no one bit on.

redneck party boy; my particular favorite, the entrepreneur that was behind the whole ordeal. His high (dashed) hopes and misplaced charisma were the perfect compliment for what was to be a thoroughly unenjoyable trip.

the truck; some old four door contraption, a primitive model of a mini SUV. Think of the bastard child between an H2 and a Honda Element.


Our story begins early Saturday morning. I pile into the truck with the other three occupants, and we hit the road. Not more than 5 minutes into the journey, the driver (redneck guy) begins to show an interest in the personal stats and history of everyone on board. I withstood his barrage of questions, only to find that he required a surprisingly minimal amount of material in order to carry on a conversation for a prolonged time. Fortunately, said conversation was mostly to himself, so I was able to read my book and eventually nod off for half of the three hour ride.



We arrived in the parking lot of the K Mart and began to prepare for our marketing stint. now, I don't know how many of you are familiar with the people that stand on the side of the road all day holding advertisements, but I had seen my share of them. I was under the impression that it was a simple concept, and was prepared for the ordeal.... or so I thought.



This guy was not to be outdone, despite the lack of competition.



I wasn't just carrying one sign around, I was carrying two, a contraption of PVC pipe and zip ties resulting in a two story high sign that threatened to impose upon JetBlue's airspace. And, to make matters worse, we were in costume.



However, despite these setbacks, I managed to keep my sanity for 6 long hours until the end of the day.



But that's where things got rough.



You see, the sole reason that the head of the operation, we'll call him Joe, decided to undertake this weekend side job (this was his first weekend) was so that he could spend Saturday night partying and then Sunday morning sleeping in while we all carried signs. This was supposed to be his weekly getaway from the wife and kids. He had it all figured out, making extra money, partying all weekend, and breaking even by Monday. He was planning to CUT LOOSE!!! One problem: We were in a town with a population so low that the last census was taken as an extra credit math exercise by the 5th grade class.




Well, after we packed up our signs and changed back into our clothes, we went out for some drinks. Emo cool guy was all over this irritating chick, and had apparently fallen in love with her since 6 am that morning. She was obviously not interested, but didn't bother to tell him so, which made it interesting for me to observe. that was fine with me, because I really had nothing better to pay attention to at the time.



Joe was buying drinks for everyone in the zip code, trying to get a party started, but wasn't having any luck. 8:00 rolled around and Emo Boy stormed out after Ira (tating) showed her interest in another guy.



We decided to go to another place. we found a very relaxed club, with a laid back atmosphere. We ordered some food, listened to the music, and I was finally starting to enjoy myself. However, Joe was obviously very perplexed that there was still no block party forming, and Girls Gone Wild had not yet started to be filmed around us.



We eventually headed back to the motel, because Ira was tired. This annoyed Joe to no end, but we headed back. While in their room, after Joe entered the shower, she felt bad and tried to get me to go back out with him. I, on the other hand, felt it was a better idea to go to my room and watch Adult Swim.




Upon reaching my room, I found Emo on the bed, staring at the ceiling with ICP blaring out of his headphones so loud that I wondered if he was still alive. After checking his pulse, I took my own shower, and made sure that there were no harmful objects within his reach while I grabbed the remote and caught the end of The 5th Element. I had forgotten how much that movie sucked.



He decided to start conversation later, and after assuring him that it is better to have loved and lost than to have had to deal with that shit in the long run, I went to sleep. despite my 9 am wake up call being mistaken (by the well-meaning foreigner at the front desk) for an 11:30 pm call (three times) I got a good night's sleep.



The next day was pretty uneventful, except for rain and overtime. Then, right after the last day was finally over....



.... the truck broke down.



Aye. We got that fixed. We left. We drove for three hours. I took my money, went home, and slept.




How was your weekend?

No, seriously, sorry for all the trouble. Here's another statue, guys.

The level was always trying to bring other household items down.

I went tubing all day yesterday on the Salt River. It was awesome, even though today I'm paying for it with excruciating sun burns.

I had never been before, and so I was a little surprised at the concept. Its more uneventful than I had expected, since all we did was float ten miles downriver on tubes. Thats it. No motors, no ropes, and no cigarrettes since they got wet early on in the trip.

We parked the car and got our tubes, then rode a bus for ten minutes to the drop point. After making our way to the edge of the water, and settling ourselves as comfortably as possible onto our rubber contraptions, we began drifting slowly down the river.

At first the mass of humanity on the river with us was almost stifling, since it was labor day, and groups of families and college kids were having floating parties with their coolers, beer, and frisbees. These thinned out considerably as we left the drop point, though we were never truly alone throughout the trip. It was not unenjoyable to have others near, enjoying nature in their own way, however only at the pace that mother nature allowed.

It was this that fascinated me: being coerced into taking my time, and enjoying the breathtaking view and small bits of wildlife that we encountered. If I was on a jet ski, or even a canoe, I certainly would have ignored them, concentrating instead on how fast I could conquer it myself. Instead I was at the mercy of the river.

The current was not very fast (unless you tried to get out in the shallower parts and walk in it- then you realized its speed and power). At first I hoped it would begin to rush me down its panks perilously; before too long I was too busy gazing at the monstrous craigs and beautiful constructions that the river winds its way through, it, too, at the mercy of the landscape around it.

I am sure some of you are wondering why I am making my post so boring, with talk of rocks and water, and philosophical ramblings caused by floating around all day. But I was in awe! I can't help but try to express the beauty, and how nice it was for once to just. . .float, and observe something beautiful.

If you are a local reading this, you have to try this mini adventure sometime. Just let me give you some tips; Plenty of sunscreen, drink water, even though you'll feel fine (afterwards is when it hits you), and take a waterproof camera. I didn't bring my camera because it would have been ruined, but I was vey disappointed to miss the chances to capture some awesome views and unique animal moments on film.

- - - - - - - -

So after we left, we got some taco bell, and I went home, after smearing myself all over with aloe vera and neosporin (since I am apparently allergic to raw leather).

Jesse came over and we hung out for a while after she left her photo shoot. She had a rough day apparently. I was glad for the opportunity to make her feel better, and her company is always enjoyed.

We got to talking (it seems like it had been a while since we just sat and talked about nothing. Those are some of the best times. . . . my advice to anyone would be not to only hang out with friends if there's a reason to) about random stuff, and then about dreams... always a gripping subject with me, because of the vividness and ironic, fake reality that I find in my own. I have done a lot of reading on the subject, and it still eludes me, as it supposedly does the whole scientific world.

But those who know me (which seem to be few, really, but thats kind of beside the point) know that I only take science so seriously. Not to say I think they are necesarily wrong about some things.... but I believe that we don't do ourselves any favors by thinking too deeply into anything. Dreams are manifestations of whatever it is that sneaks around in the back of our minds while we are awake; fears, longings, secrets, they are all let lose while we dream. i think the reasons for this are simple: our brain tries to rememebr itself. It won't allow us to shove away those thngs we try to stifle, or to forget what we try to erase, and its always bringing up what it hopes we will someday grasp in our waking life (things that the soul, or whatever that part of us is, has figured out, and longs to manifest itself)... I am not making sense most likely. I just mean to say this: that dreams are who we are in the background, when we finally give our selves a rest from chasing our dreams and desires around all day.

With that unintentionally poured out, I will share with you that I have a blog floating around in cyber space that I used to put all my dreams in that I could rememebr. I am inspired now to find it and once again make a habit of recording them. Who knows what I might discover about myself?

Sitting outside tonight after the storm, I saw through the mass of clouds a single star was able to poke out. I looked around in the sky for others, but this was the only one.


I realized how alone this star is. It was no more alone on this night than any other, just because one creature on one planet had a cold front in the way. But I realized that stars are like people in some ways.


One looks up at a sky crowded with billions of stars, and it would appear that they are close enough to touch each other , to have more than an indirect effect on each other. Perhaps even to commune on some celestial level with a life of their own that we cannot comprehend.

In truth, though it looks like they have each other, they are all utterly alone, surronded by almost incalculable measures of miles of dark matter.

The same with each one of us; it would seem, at a glance, that the world is so full, so crowded that everyone would have someone, that you need nearly reach out to touch your neighbor, or to feel his warmth. Instead, we are close enough to see warmth, and know that we don't feel it. We are each surrounded with our own dark thoughts, dreams, and heartaches, the void seeming to stretch out for more than we can fathom. It would seem that someone could reach us, could touch us, but everyone is too far away.

We, as a society, are too far away from each other. Like scattered celestial bodies lost in a sea of blackness, we are all so much more alone than it appears.

WHERE HAVE I BEEN???

I know I haven't posted in so long. . . . things have been nuts, and its hard to get back into blogging when you have been out of it so long.

I have been working at fast food, but we all know thats not good enough for me. So, I am getting into management, and then they will pay my tuition, so I can go to college for marketing, and then get a real job.

In the meantime, I am getting by pretty good, having fun, enjoying life. I have not been travelling as mych as I am used to, and as a result tend to get kind of stir crazy. Hopefully that will change in not-to-long. I am going to Canada pretty soon, to visit a special someone. . .

Besides that, not much going on.

Phoenix is a much more dull place than I ever would have thought... theres almost nothing to do after 10 pm except drink. Its also the ultimate in urban sprawl. . they keep building and building, and it just spreads.

So drop me a comment to let me know you are still alive, and haven't forgotten about me!

So I have decided to force myself to blog consistently once again, even though it would seem that no one cares.

A lot has happened in the past like 8 months since I last kept written track of my life. I have met an awesome person that has become like my best friend, and would make an awesome squeeze if that was at all what I wanted at this point. Its not... we will save that for another day, hmmmm....?

I am still trying to find my niche. I like it out here in AZ, but it still sucks not having a car. In fact it sucks way more than it did out east.

I have been making it one of my most vital goals to get a vehicle, but it seems like everything stands in my way. I am so incredibly sick of my life going around in the same pointless circles.

My halfhearted hopes of things working out in some way with my family have turned to shit. I am not surprised or anything...I really did give it an effort, even though I had my misgivings.

Jesse has sparked my old photographic aspirations... I am hopig to be a photogrpher eventually with this company that I am selling for right now. The only thing holding me back is a car...... I don't even have a license yet. How lame... I don 't even have a car to use to get one. Aye.

That is the synopsis.

I was going to say that I am sure many of you are wondering what has been going on with me, but I actually have heard barely a peep from all my would-be fans.

I have not been blogging much, because so much crazy shit has happened in the last few months that in order to begin blogging again, I feel like it will take way too much effort to sort everything out into a sufficient explanation, and to just start off without clueing you in would just be weird.

Basically, I ended up moving from NY to Arizona. After a grueling 3-day bus ride, I began the tricky process of establishing myself in yet another city.

There is a great deal of anxiety, because I once again have lost everything. To top it all off, all of a sudden my estranged extended family has decided to take an interest in me after all this time. This is a mixed blessing, and a subject that would have to wait for another day, but suffice to say it is a lot at once, and pretty overwhelming.

But besides this and a relatively few amount of larger obstacles, I really can't complain too much. I have been working my ass off, and just today put a down payment on my apartment. At the end of January, I will be taking a trip back to NY to help a friend remodel their house, and then returning to Phoenix to get settled once and for all.

Things are looking up, hopefully this time for good!!

I was bored late last night, and decided to put a prank ad up on craigslist to see what kind of response I would get. I was surprised to wake up this morning to find a whole load of responses in my email. Apparently no one thought this could possibly be a hoax, as I recieved so many concerned emails with advice on what I could do to help the poor dolphin...

I have included the most hilarious emails below for your enjoyment. (keep in mind, we live in arizona!)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JUST AN IDEA, CONTACT SEA WORLD OVER IN SAN DIEGO THEY WILL GIVE IT A HOME.
OR CALL CALIFORNIA GAME AND FISH DEPT. THEY CAN HELP YOU
MAYBE ARIZONA GAME AND FISH AS A LAST RESORT

OR TAKE HIM OVER TO SAN DIEGO AND LET HIM GO.

JUST TRYING TO HELP
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In ARizona? In a tank?

Have you considered rescue services? I'd be happy to research them
out for you - just tell me what city you are in.

Mist
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi,

Have you tried contacting Sea World or other sea mammal rescue
agencies? I'm sure someone would come take it for you -- dolphins
need special care and diet, as I'm sure you know. Don't let someone
take it for a pet -- contact some professionals who will rescue it
properly and give it a good life in an appropriate habitat. I'm sure
if you google "dolphin rescue" or something, you can find links to
the appropriate parties.

Best of luck. Wish I could take it and put it in my pool! :D
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How big of a pond is it in?



How big of pond would I need?



-Clint
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A R I Z O N A

Hi, everyone. I know I have been out of touch for quite sometime. I was in a real weird transition, and a whole bunch of CRAP happened all at once, so it was best to fly under the radar, indefinitely.


Still not too definite, cause things are still crazy. I am in Arizona, and I love it out here. The picture is me on top of Shaw Peak a couple weeks ago (pics courtesy of a couple cute college girls I met at the top). I love the mountains and stuff here, but I miss the trails back east. These are lacking a certain diversity...everything is very bland and monotone.

Not a whole lot interesting to report right now. I am not going to go into the whole story of the last few months. It is quite a tale, but I will leave that for other posts.

For now, I am just working hard, like always. I am working at a leather store (Top salesman!) and doing what odd jobs I can get on the side. I am about to fly back out to NY for a couple weeks to help a friend build her house, and then I will get back out here to finish getting settled in my own place.

till next time!